Wow! We made it to Cayden’s birthday, with only a little stress. This normally chaotic and stressful time, was definitely eased by this journey of sharing. I hope I have blessed you with my stories, and helped you to see that ANY life is worth living no matter how short, or how challenged, or how trying.
Without Cayden, I would be a different person. Not sure I know quite how, but I am sure my life would have taken a different turn. Like I shared in yesterday’s post, if he had been born ‘normal’ I might be a working mom, running from place to place, trying to juggle the activities and sports of 3 kids, while I did theatre design work on the side. If he had just died in utero, I might have been changed, but differently than I was by getting the blessing of spending 4 ½ years with Cayden. If he had not died, and still was with us, my life would still be changed, but perhaps not as much as I might imagine. It’s hard to tell.
I try not to think about the ‘What-if’s?’ too often as they can bring despair and unbridled grief. Last night, I had the ‘Why-me?’s along with the ‘What-if?’s and it isn’t a pretty place to be. It’s tearful and heart wrenching, that act of looking backward, and doesn’t really help my soul. So instead, I look forward, as we are commanded by the Lord in Isaiah 43: 18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”
So I am continuing to walk along this new path that God has set before me, doing my best to follow his lead. Some days I get off into the brambles, and I pay for it with some spiritual ‘poison ivy’ that I might have avoided if only I had been obedient. I strive to use God’s Positioning System for my life, allowing Him to have the stress of leadership, while I am His compliant servant. It is a challenge for me to be compliant, that’s true, but I’m working on it.
So this is our ending place, for now. I need to close the memory banks & photo books, to allow my heart to heal again. It’s been a month of raw emotion, of remembering the pain, the stress and the joy. There is much more to say, but that can wait for another time.
I want to close my series with a poem I wrote many years ago, when the wounds were still raw, and the pain was almost too much to bear. I wrote it for Skylar, to try to ease her pain, and to explain to her why it was okay that Cayden was gone. Ideally, this will someday become a children’s book, perhaps with my own illustrations, but until then, I feel that I am healed enough to share it with the small world of readers I have here on my blog. No eyes but my own have seen this until now.
Enjoy, and know I appreciate your prayers, your praise is humbly accepted but unnecessary, as I know I am doing His work, by sharing Cayden with you.
Cayden’s New Life
Skylar asks me, “Mommy, why did Cayden have to die?”
I answer, “I don’t know, dear, only God knows really why.
I know only He knows how our lives are going to change,
But it’s Cayden’s life that’s different now, in so many ways.
Here on earth, our Cayden, he couldn’t do a lot.
He couldn’t hear, he couldn’t walk, and he couldn’t really talk.
Cayden spent his days mostly strapped into a chair,
Waiting for us to push him so he could move from here to there.
But now, up there in Heaven, Cayden gets to run and play!
His legs work great and he can sing & dance the day away!
Here on Earth, our Cayden, he couldn’t really eat,
He needed all his food pureed into a mushy meat.
Now he’s tasting Heaven’s food, (I bet it’s oh-so-good!)
Everything is wonderful and he can chew it too!
When he was young, your brother, he saw things pretty bad,
The sunlight hurt his eyes if he forgot to wear a hat.
Now he sees the crystal city and streets of gold — so bright!
There is no sun in Heaven, because Jesus is the Light!
Cayden was born deaf, you know, he couldn’t hear a thing,
But now, in Heaven, he is always hearing angels sing.
Cayden couldn’t speak well, only said a few small words.
He needed a computer to make his thoughts be heard.
In Heaven, Cayden’s voice, I’m sure, rises high above the rest,
Singing praise to Jesus Christ the King in total happiness.
On Earth, your brother Cayden often had a lot of pain.
We did a lot to help him but he often cried in vain.
In Heaven, Cayden cries no more and he feels no more pain.
He never has to die again, or face any more strain.
I know you miss your big brother, we all miss him too.
I miss his smile, his giggle and his sloppy kisses –ew!
Now Cayden is with Jesus, and his body is brand new!
He finally gets to do the things he never got to do:
He gets to sing, he gets to dance — in freedom and in praise
And we will get to see him soon and forever spend our days,
With Cayden and with Jesus, our Holy Savior, Christ,
If only we believe in Him and ask Him in our lives.
Then we can go to Heaven too — for all eternity,
And we can live forever there — a happy family.”
By Shira Arnold