Remnants of a life…

So I haven’t posted lately as I actually HAVE been painting! I have finished the work in the kitchen, as well as a long-delayed glazing project in the dining room which we use as the office. All the trim in these areas has a fresh coat of bright white paint too & it looks lovely (if I do say so myself!).

I have also begun the painting and organizing of the school room. It is about half finished so far (2 walls complete). But I am having a bit of difficulty with the other two. Yes, I need to run to the hardware store and pick up another gallon of my favorite ‘Crumb Cookie’ cream to do the base coat. Yes, I need to move the big 6’x6′ cube unit to do behind it (or maybe not!)  But it is one last little bit that is getting to me.

I really need to remove the last few things that made this room, Cayden’s room. Only his race car clock and balance ball holder remain, (along with some random VBS art projects). The clock no longer works, (it never did work well), and it doesn’t match the new colors. The balls just are huge and need to go in the garage. They are dusty and somewhat sad, but I just can’t quite bring myself to take them down.

These two things are the last bits of what made this room Cayden’s. This room was a huge reason why we bought THIS house. It is actually a ‘formal living room’ space, but it is on the side of the house by our bedroom. It was a major deciding factor (along with one story, wood floors, and flat driveway) that we needed to care for C. We needed a room close to us so we could get to him quickly at night. He would awaken and need re-positioning several times a night because he physically couldn’t roll himself over. He would cry out, we would trudge in, roll him over, and then he would snooze happily on his other side. It was a bit of a drudgery to be sure, but what I wouldn’t give to still be doing that!

It is a hard balance to find, the life of the grieving mom. I miss my son terribly, and hold onto the little bits that remind me of him. As time passes, I am able to make changes, but as each little thing goes away, it seems to send him further into the recesses of my memory. And THAT is sad! I don’t ever want to forget him, even the slightest bit!

So, you may ask, why bother to remove the non-working clock? Just leave it as for sentimental reasons. And I have, for 5 years. But I know NOW is the time to make the effort and put it away.

My heart tells me this verse, when I get too weary or find myself wallowing in grief brought about by change…

Isaiah 43:18-19
This is what the LORD says–
“Forget the former things; 
     do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!…
     Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 
I am making a way in the desert 
     and streams in the wasteland.”

He is doing a new thing for me! He is making a new path for me, for our family, a path with streams in the desert. He is healing my grieving desert soul with Living Water! Each time I feel parched, I need to remember to just take a long drink of His refreshing Word!

I know that Our new thing, is the path leading to homeschooling. This last year, I felt like our path was like walking at dusk, or maybe the time right before the dawn. Not totally dark, but not fully in the light either.  Just feeling my way thru the twisty-turny path of the school year. This year, I can fell already, will be brighter, better planned, and more easy to navigate. I pray it will be more lie the sunrise, full of great excitement and colorful days.

The re-purposing of Cayden’s room is part of that new path. Even it’s name is changing. Since we moved in, this room was just “Cayden’s room.” Even after he died, and it became my craft and scrap room, it was still “Cayden’s room.” Now, as we talk, it is slowly becoming, more and more often “The School Room,” rather than “Cayden’s room.” And that makes me sad. Another way C is fading away…

But God’s word in Isaiah lifts me up. It tells me that I should not dwell on what WAS, instead to look at our life NOW and our NEW path, with understanding of the new things HE is creating for US.

He is the creator of all good things, so this too, is destined to be good. I have faith in his purpose for me, if only I follow his path, which this week, is a bit in the desert but a desert where there is a refreshing stream, if only I stop and drink it in.


Cayden's room window Cayden room back wall

This is Cayden’s room as it was when he passed away.

school room School room back wall

These are the school room at the beginning of my re-organizing/redecorating project (what a mess!) I’ll post an after picture of the school room when we are complete! Look for it!


2 comments on “Remnants of a life…

  1. Shira –
    You are brave to share your feelings about this. It brings tears to my eyes to read your post. I knew Cayden in such a small way compared to you, his mother, and I will never forget him. I think of him often. He will never be forgotten and his room, his stuff are just the physical reminders of him. He lives within your heart. I am proud of you and Joey and how you post photos and thoughts about Cayden. I am amazed how you have found a way to keep his spirit alive and to help his brother know about him. I think you do an amazing job.


  2. Vanessa, Thanks so much! I love to read about your exploits and challenges with Ben too, and feel I live a bit vicariously thru all my SN moms who are still walking the walk. Another thing I really miss is the relationships with moms who understand what life with a very challenged child is like, how it tests you to the limit and rewards you like no other. I am out of that loop, but still feel a part of it. I understand, but have nothing new to add to the conversation. And I pray you never fully understand the path we are on now! So glad you got your ramp too! ; )


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